Day 1

And it felt like the longest day ever. I want to stick to myself and to who I know I am. I want to be strong and turn the other way. I want to stop worrying. But its so hard to be this person alone.

Funfetti cupcakes.

There have been much better days, but there have also been much worse days.

And in the big scheme of life, this day wasn’t the worst. In terms of worst days, this was one of the best.

And in the terms of my heart, its felt worse.

And that’s all that matters.

So much time

is spent thinking about the future. Planning the future. Or reminiscing in the past and what could have been changed or done over.
I feel like I’ve forgotten how to appreciate the present. Summer. Enjoying that its 3 weeks longer instead of that its ending soon. Appreciating the free time and the company instead of dreading the silence. I never noticed my fear of being alone until now.

Y o u d o n ‘ t r e a l i z e w h a t y o u ‘ r e m i s s i n g u n t i l it’s gone.

or that’s what I’ve heard.

The thing about sayings are that they’re usually true. There’s usually a story behind them. A moment, a tear, a cry, a laugh. It seems that this is the place I save for all of them. For the moments, the tears, the cries, the laughter. Because I want to remember them. I want to look back somewhere to some place and safely know that I haven’t lost a part of me somewhere on my way, that I haven’t lost a lesson or an emotion that…

I don’t know how to retell it. It’s so funny. I can picture it perfectly in my mind where all today it’s rewinded and replayed itself a hundred times, zooming and slowing on key moments and blurring through others. However, when it comes to putting it into words, I can’t. I can only hope that my future self remembers this well enough that I don’t need to. That I will understand how much it hurt, how unbelievable it was, how unbearable, how hard it was to not just run away or turn off completely. I hope I will be able to remember how my mind ran through so many reasons why and so many moments that could have led up to what I knew was about to happen and how much so that I wish it hadn’t. I was in a daze. I AM in a daze.

How had I not seen it, I asked myself. How can I stop it?

But what matters now, future self, is that you got through it. I don’t know if it’s the best..and this will be the only time I will be able to admit this..but I also don’t think I can let it go. I don’t think I’d be complete, be whole, be myself, be able to move forward. We are together and I couldn’t be any more grateful than the very first day. Except now, it’s better. Right? It’s more. It’s true, it’s pure, it’s right now. And right now, US is all that I want, all that I need, all that I will ever ask for.

And I will do anything to keep us here, together. Maybe it’s not best, but for right now, it’s the best I could ever ask for. Because what we’ve had and what we have is more than I could have ever imagined and better than I ever could have wanted. Now tell me, future self, would you have let him go?

Maybe I’m just too stubborn. Too stubborn in love.

Why am I frustrated? I’m frustrated.
Why?
I’m frustrated because I don’t like change. I don’t like feeling useless or left behind. I don’t want to think that I’ve wasted my time on something only to realize it wasn’t worth it. I don’t want to even think that’s close to true. I don’t want to hold back. I don’t want to play nice. I want to feel free and continuous, not dormant. Idle. I want to feel like a cause, a purpose. I want to be moving, to be doing. I’m so tired o being frustrated. I’m so tired of holding in.

3:00 A.M.

The heat, the shadows, the sounds, the touch, the feel, the kiss, the rush. The love. The lust. The trust. The comfort. My walls come down and I want it all.

It’s hours like these that I wish I could just go home.
Home to my court, my 300.
Home to what’s ours and not theirs.
Home to all of the places I could go when its hours like these.
Home is privacy. Home is my room again.
Home is safe and trusting and always there to take me back inside.
I just want to be home.
Is that so much to ask?

Testing, testing…

Has this officially gone cellular?

Dark blue, dark blue

There are times for “pick me up” and make my day music. And then there are times for “leave me alone” and let me sulk music. For me, that’s Jacks Mannequin. I feel like I’m at a low, except – nothing has really changed. I had a great weekend, a fine Monday, just a bit of a down day today and yet, I feel like I’m in a pit and thr Walls to get out are all covered in wet moss on red bricks. I don’t know if it’s what I need right now, but I know I want a vacation, a get away. A day to clear my head. A day to rediscover my purpose, my personal motivation, my goals and desires. It feels as if I’m watching life pass by and I’m just a frame in it. This needs to change.

To Bella:

Robot Unicorn Attack