Dark blue, dark blue

There are times for “pick me up” and make my day music. And then there are times for “leave me alone” and let me sulk music. For me, that’s Jacks Mannequin. I feel like I’m at a low, except – nothing has really changed. I had a great weekend, a fine Monday, just a bit of a down day today and yet, I feel like I’m in a pit and thr Walls to get out are all covered in wet moss on red bricks. I don’t know if it’s what I need right now, but I know I want a vacation, a get away. A day to clear my head. A day to rediscover my purpose, my personal motivation, my goals and desires. It feels as if I’m watching life pass by and I’m just a frame in it. This needs to change.

“rambling”

That’s what we called it. Actually, that’s still what we call it.

It’s strange to think about everything. Three months ago, I was wondering where I was…and then from then til february til now, i’ve discovered so much. Yet, i feel almost like i’m there again. Like I’ve taken a few steps back.

I’ve discovered this feeling of appreciation for life, for my family, for my friends, for moments and days. I’ve discovered this feeling that I think I’ve always had but never realized, and it makes me happy beyond imagination. I feel like I’ve made progress with life, with people, with myself.

Yet, she goes and says she honestly believes I’ve disappointed her and become less of the person I was a few months ago. Now, I’m reconsidering everything. I can’t help it. I’m trying not to. But I can’t deny the part of me that is. And the feeling isn’t good.  It’s guilt and confusion and doubt and…

Well, it sucks. But maybe today just isn’t my day.

i

always come here unconsciously thinking that one day, i’ll see the answer. The answer to what? Maybe it’s the answer to my problems, it’s the answer to how to achieve more, to be successful in life, i don’t know. I’m rambling.

They always say that realization is the first step towards recovery, towards walking a new path other than the same, worn dirt one you’ve been circling in. Well i’m there. I’ve been there. I think there’s more than that. Actually, i know there’s more than that…I just can’t mentally grasp what it is. In my mind, i perfectly understand that there’s more than just realizing you have a problem or are in a problem that needs to be fixed. But that’s just it. I understand it. I can see it and interpret it in a hundred different ways and see the solution, but that’s it. It feels like i never make more progress than that. It feels like i never move much farther than ‘realization’ and ‘seeing’ what i’ve done wrong.

And there’s nothing wrong with that. Realization is better than denial, hands down. But i’m getting tired of my dirt path, of kicking up the sand sand, of passing back the same scenery and hearing the same sounds.

And then i realize…not to be ironic, but i actually realize…that i’ve moved past this before. That was my summer. Moving past it. If not mentally, then physically. Moving myself, kicking up the dirt of a new path and gravels in the new concrete, smelling new smells and hearing new sounds. That was my summer. I just need to get back there. I just need to move forward again, instead of taking steps back and pausing, replaying moments in my  head. Sometimes, even for a little while, I think a refresh button would be nice. To be able to refresh your days, your thoughts, to start again in the last place you saved or were before. To be able to do it again, or do it differently.

But that’s not what i want. That’s not even who i am anymore. I just want to move forward. Moving myself as the Earth turns and people move around me and me around them, instead of watching it pass by.

Hopefully, one of these days i’ll hit my epiphany.

i

can deal with chaos, with conflict, with disaster because it gives me a drive. It gives me a reason to be better, to fight through it, to have a purpose. It gives me control over my situation.

All these good things: I keep looking for flaws in them.

I keep expecting a fight, a confrontation, a fuck-up, an unwanted question, because I keep expecting everything to fall into chaos, because I know how to deal with chaos, because it’s when I’m strongest. It’s when I know who I am, what I believe, what I stand for.

It’s sad how I need that to be, sometimes, a better me.

Time;

really just sucks.

Like if you compare yourself today, this hour, this time to a week ago, a year ago.

If it shows growth — great, fantastic, you’ve grown & you haven’t fucked up in some way yet that changes how you see your life or how it occurs.

If it shows that you’ve sucked more now than previously — that’s just a downer.

It makes you think: am I any less of who I was? Did I do something that made this happen? Should I have done anything different? and pondering the alternative universe honestly is wasted time in wasted space.

I don’t know. Maybe it’s a teenage phase, happy one week, one month, miserable the next. I figured this year would get better, but apparently I’ve gotten more bitter and nostalgic. It’s harder to be the same degree of happy or be simply as exhilarated as I was countless times a year before, but I can say that when  I am now, it’s not over petty things, false assumptions, exaggerated fantasies.

No, my happy now consists of the spur-in-the-moment realizations of things you have in common with others, true laughs, spontaneous things that don’t involve me getting buzzed or bursting into a fit of coughs — pure stupid, unplanned, raw fun.

Too bad it doesn’t come too often, but when it does, it’s fucking great. Which makes me think: was it worth it? To, I suppose, go through hell, see people shed in a light you didn’t expect to see them in, to draw back in response, to not trust, to look for someone truly who they are inside and out…just to have the real deal?

However, what do I know of fun? I’ve yet to feel the burn of the first tequila, the buzz of the first cheap beer, the hangover of the first night of events I couldn’t recall, the coughs and fatigue of the first smoke. 

For the sake of my apparently bitchy image due to these topics, I’m laying off the hangover, the vomit, the stupidity, the desperate search for a good time, to loosen up. No, i think i’ll stay a bitch. 

To regret never having a good junior year due to a shitty breakup built on hope and an even shittier collapse of trust and morals is, in my book, nothing to regret next to looking back and telling my kid “I decided at the age of sixteen that I couldn’t have a good time without intaking/inhaling/shooting up/drinking some brain-killing substance. Now don’t do drugs in highschool.”

And that’s just it.

I want to say I’m glad for who  I am, what I’m standing up for, what I’m not doing and I don’t regret it.

I truly don’t regret it, but it sucks. I get it, it comes in a perfectly wrapped package with good morals and a mound of shit. I get it. I get it. And I don’t regret it.

I just wish it was easier to do the right thing.

Since when did that make you the sore loser?